No Right!!

Law

noun

2. a moral or legal entitlement to have or obtain something or to act in a certain way.

"she had every right to be angry/upset/whatever...."
or
"she had NO right to be angry/upset/whatever..."

it's been weeks. She has NO clue what's going on. No connection. no.. Hey.. busy.. chat soon.. nothing.. nothing at all.

She knows he's seen what she has sent. or at least she thinks it's him. Really isn't sure.. and at this point, she almost doesn't care.

She's thinking she might write.. "hey.. if this is actually you.. just tell me you are alive.".

That Self-Preservations is starting to kick in. The one that made her lose parts of a relationship that took place oh so many years ago. He was there. .and then he wasn't.

He's been back a year.. and now.. gone. again. well not really but.

She knows, or has learned, a bit about his being, what he does, who he is.. how he acts.. where his focus is.. and since she isn't really part of his life...... well..

but does she have any right?? No.. not really. they aren't connected except by that thing that happens when she moves back into space and time and the years fade and the tears begin.. again.

She has NO Right.

what she needs to do is what her mind tells her.. just walk away.. stop the connection. delete it.. well.. maybe or not. delete the connection but save the information. .maybe just to check in from time to time. Move on.. move back to the way it was.. (which she didn't like for herself.). life changed a year ago.. no one noticed but she did. The way she held herself., the things she did. the thoughts, the memories .. she shared it with a few, but only just.

Courage!!!

 

Addiction...

 She sat, trying to understand what was playing in her head and why she couldn't let it go.  Suddenly,  in a passing moment she considered the possibility... AN ADDICTION..   

Was it true??  Did she really??  A man in her life for over 30 years.. married.. happy.. 

a 2nd. someone.. a lifetime ago, but feelings.  there.  even after decades of being apart..   a constant reminder of life and how it twists and turns.  

But what was this new scenario, or had it been there.  ..   why now a consideration?.  And what would she do about it. .. nothing likely. 

She had seen an old friend a few nights ago.  Someone she considered a friend but not really a romantic lead (maybe, as she looks back, it was a something wished for but never considered. she just wasn't that person..   and that was ok) .  He leaned in and hugged.. a great bear hub.  and then again. and a move of the head.. mouth to ear and a question from decades before.  They laughed.. they shared a secret.   knowing glances.  And they parted ways with another strong hug..   But why.??   

It made her feel good..  recognized by someone else.  To be someone's memory, if even just a passing thought, glance.   And not just this male friends but others.  Was she "the one that got away"??  They one they wished they'd had.. all those years ago??.  and from her side, was it really flirting.. intentional.. or  had she wanted to look pretty, make them see her.. really SEE her.. not just as she was.. but who she could be.  

Or was she just addicted to the feeling. The need to be the attention and to be attentive.. in place of someone or something else. 

It's a quandary and one she will need to work out on her own.  it's her drug of choice.. 

Relief..

 A secret.. not meant to hurt but to bring back.. the memories of days gone by...

No connection made in the physical sense, but a meeting of souls as they move through time. 

A light to guide them. A word expressed. A conversation of day to day offerings leading to more memories to add in the mix.

And the feeling that never leaves, having been in place for far to long for it to matter,.. lingers.  IT JUST DOES!!!

This!!

 

Thankful

It's New Years Eve Eve...

She sits and reflects on the last 10 months of 2020 and all that has happened. She doesn't think about the worry and the concern over what the year has brought. She reflects on the time spent with family, in relative solitude for months. trying to make sure life went on in as normal a fashion as possible.

She is thankful for her life, as it is, and her family, as they are.. the good and the bad.  Her friends and family here and away. For her ability to speak and hopefully be heard. 

She is, however, more thankful for being given a gift of a return of a special someone in her life...  

Missing him.

She misses him..   Should she?? does she have the right too??

it's been a while since they have talked.  She knows it's the holidays but she can't help wanting to say hi, or tell him about her day.  

He said, at one point, said she shouldn't miss him..   the problem being.. they haven't connected in many years, but the sudden reconnection even months ago, has her still feeling the same..    it hasn't and not likely to change..  it's been to long, to much apart of her being. hard to understand. and sometimes hard to get through.  she can't help it.. it just is..