Silence...
It's deafening, she says to herself.
She's reading too much into the absence of conversation.
She understands the why and what for, the commitment to something, not someone, else.. especially now..
Their absence of each other over years, has lead to a litany of explanations of relationships working and not...
By working, he meant not paying attention in all the right phases and her (not she) somehow putting up with what he does but the not didn't mean it ended, just that it's not.
And she explained.. had he done those things in their parallel universe, she would have never been that tolerant (although it didn't sound like tolerance hadn't been real..) And had it continued, life would be different for both.
He agreed but also admitted "it always takes two..."
To which she responded..."its all in how both sides handle the situation..."
And his closing words (in that moment) ..at which she smiled. 

         "Never truer words written"
Silence... she understands. Doesn't mean she has to like it....

PS...

As karma.. and the universe.. would command.... Silence was broken.
No explanation asked.. none needed to be given.. just "busy week".. she understood...for both...
The conversation flowed. Music, life, happenings..
The present, filled with easy banter... which helped explain the silence without specifically asking.
The way distant past revisited, because it can be in .. which was closer to both, having lived much of it together.. Yet apart.
The subtle innuendo that occurs each meeting but means much to both.
The anecdotes that help when memories fail...
An hour and a 1/2 later, which felt more like mere seconds, later .. ..
The parting... 

then... 

Sleep...

Sleep and Dreams.

 She's tired...  The calendar turns.. the year is almost done.  For what ever reason, although she really does know why, her life, has become exponentially busier.

3 nights...  3 hours of sleep..  4th night 5...  Why??  She Feels to drop asleep any second but she can't seem to stop working.  To many things to get finished, new things cropping up, taking the lead.

She takes her leave, heads to her resting place and turns on the music only for her ears.. her body begins to relax, her shoulders soften.. 

Her brain switches.  the melody line, rhythm and beat.   Off of the hustle and bustle that surrounding her in real life and onto the faraway thoughts of communications, conversations, language and words said to and from another not of this space but of this time.   With her eyes closed, she remembers the last exchange.  She smiles slightly... pulls her body under the covers .. and dreams..

Weighted..

 She has a thing about pottery..   the 20oz mug on the right, she loves because it gives just her just enough coffee in the morning.  The other ones she owns., standard size coffee mugs, leave her feeling a little sad as the bottom of the cup approaches. 

Her newest and most loved acquisition.. she purchased them both on the same day ..but still..  is this glazed on the inside..  raw fired clay on the outside beauty..  now her constant companion.  Her daughter thought she was drinking from a flower pot until she explained what it was..  a massive 32oz mug that holds fabulous amounts of ice and water, that when mixed within the vessel, give a cool dampness to the outside and feels like a large rock weighted in her hands.  SHE'S IN LOVE...   Oh she knows its just a mug.. but it's hers and the heaviness of it makes her hand feel as it she is holding something substantial.. of value.   And she is..   at least to her. 

Conversations...

 2:45am.. She wishes he were awake..   just to even say hello...   

They have had this conversation....  he's not a social media, phone always on, able to talk/chat, person.  She is completely that way.   He signs into the chat they connect through and she sees that he has read her side of the story.. but he doesn't answer.    She continues to write hoping he will say something...anything..just to let her know he is there or at least acknowledges her writing and maybe adds his own narrative to the story.  But sometimes it doesn't happen.  

She wrote...  One day we will have a full blown conversation without having to type it in... 

He wrote... or without dropped calls...

She wrote. And no interruptions to the conversations..   one day.. 

2:58am...   she knows he's asleep...  she isn't.   2:59..

Life and lemons!!

She sits and stares.. she isn't sure what to write.  as usual, to many things going on at the same time... but isn't that normal in her life??

She forgot some important information sent to a group for a meeting yesterday..  just simply forgotten.  She isn't feeling it much these days and didn't check her notes, as she should have.  Not really a big deal, but it isn't a great thing to have done.   She also has other thing that need to be done before the next meeting.. communications that have to be taken care of.. but. . again. .it's the complacency of the group, the lack of really wanting to continue.. but.. as usual she will... Life Goes On!!!

She has another project that she's also struggling with.  She isn't sure which way to turn. It started out being the activist side.. not necessarily front and centre, but didn't necessarily mind being a "lead".   But, again, it changed... She didn't.. she's still angry and pissed off (which are the same thing) and wanting to make a difference, but it seems the other "leads" have different ideas.  be calm, protect the ones out front, let them speak, but don't rock too much of the boat, Build support. and when the time is right, we will be ready to strike..   but that semi complacency got the better of her yesterday and she called and got "the guy in charge" and laid into him.. possibly shouldn't have. .but it just is not adding up.. questions unanswered and the list goes on.   UGH!!!.  Again.. Life Goes On!!!

She is sure there are other things that need to be done. 

• Paint the picture frame, so it can dry and she can take it back to the framing place and get the rest of the piece put back together and sell.
• Contact a few new members of the club and make sure they come back
• clean her desk (what a concept)
• Do some other cleaning/sorting in the house.. 
• and the list goes on..

Making life.. out of Lemons!!!

Daytime.

She's up. It's morning.  She needs to pull her book out and make a list today, as somedays go by with no rhyme nor reason and at the end, she isn't sure what she has done.. accomplished.. finished.. or even started.

She does have a list of things, but her mind, her being, is stopping her from getting them done.   Oh silly stuff like housework.. ha..  laundry, cleaning. the mundane things that don't mean anything, except they help in the "feel better" part of the living she does.  She thinks to the list of things that have taken place over the last few days.. and stops... 

She made a realization yesterday, based on something she read.. that maybe she IS remembered by more than she knows.  those long ago happenings that have added up into memories and she thought it possible she was the only one to store them.. Maybe not.    The piece was, actually, 11 years old .. but it popped up and she had to read it a couple of times.. The first for comprehension (The action or capability of understanding something) and the 2nd for meaning (intended to communicate something that is not directly expressed).. It was the 2nd that struck her...  Had it actually been said??  She was sure it hadn't been lost on the reader (herself) or the writer (another) at the time of posting, but in a public forum, others wouldn't understand.  However, it was incongruous (look it up.. and she normally doesn't use "big" words....) and life had continued..  

She stops typing... rests her head in her hands with elbows propped on her desk..  The feeling rises and the wetness around her eyes comes.  The feeling returns and she can't stop it.  it's not the more , it's the distance, it's the connection and the shear inability to do anything about it or stop it from happening. She pulls her glasses away, wipes each eye with the palm of each hand.. It doesn't help.   This isn't pain she feels, it isn't holding her back from her day.  It is the memories she can't bring forward.  It's a way to know they are there.  It's the ones that are missing that mean the most.    and it's the connection (the then and the wanting to be now) she wants more than anything.. The dots from the past to the future.. the then, the now and the forever. 

Night and darkness

Night closes in...   She's been sitting to long.. today, yesterday..  Too many things going on that require her to watch, look, read, see.  Not to mention those things she has no control over, but are there, hanging.

She's not really sure that she is a night person, she doesn't really like the dark but she has always stayed up later than the rest.  Maybe it's the quiet of the house, and the silence outside the doors that keep her up.  And while she loves the warmth of the sun and sea on her skin, it's the night, wrapped in comforting darkness that seems to draw her in. 

It's also the time, once she has shut her computer down and done her nightly routine...  that she finally finds herself lying on her left side, with a pillow in the crook of her neck, another pushed into her back for support and one to her front, pushed close,  with an arm hugging it and a leg wrapped around it, as if holding on for dear life..  Relaxed to a point, It is then that her mind wanders and goes places it likely shouldn't.  eye's closed..   dreams don't come but wishes and hopes seem to scroll through her mind until she tells them to stop.  in some cases, the dreams, that are an integral part of a good night sleep, never come..  

it is still dark and  comforting and quite and eventually.. she sleeps.

Ask

 

She read this saying this morning. 8 hours ago.  She thought about it for a second and posted in the comments.. LOVE IT!!.    her friend thanked her and asked how she was doing.  She only now responded, giving an Ok and a small glimpse into what was happening where she is.  

She understood what the photo was saying.. or at least she thought she did.  What she hadn't really read earlier in the day, where the words her friend had written about the post.. or because of the photo:

Good morning,
What's on my mind?...
Results!


I asked strictly for overflow in this season and more clients/orders were sent.

I asked for more time to get things done and delegation became my habit.

I asked for a peace of mind and worrying about simple things became non-existent.

          We have not because we ask not.

         We already have the tools to "Live out our wildest dreams!"

What do you need to ask for today?

She now has read these words over and over.. several times. just to let them sink in.  

As for the photo, she reads that we have the tools, the bits and pieces needed, we just have to put them together.  Maybe they will not be in the right order, so we have to figure it out.. .  Maybe it will take us years to get it right.. or wrong.. (who knows).  but not putting them together isn't really an option.  You asked for a finished product, now put what you have been given to work to get it.

As for the words her friend shared, She sat and thought about what she had done during this day.   and what she might ask for based on those things..

• The new challenge she has accepted and how she was going to handle this with all the other things she has going on.   She would ask for a clear path, with no barriers and with straight forward questions and good answers to see them through to the end. 
• 
  
• What about her business.. that non-existent piece of her that she wished would just magically start working.    She realized, in this moment, there were things she had already put into place.. even if not on purpose for her business, they would still work to build her presence and over time add to the small bits that she needed to do for her business.  Slow and Steady at this point.  to this end, she would ask for CONSISTANCY
• 
  
• The conflict between head and heart, the tug of war between "leave it alone", "don't over do it" ,  "it will be ok" and the "but ..." (isn't' there always a but??) .   She would ask for clarity in the answers to questions, truth in the conversation and calm in the awkward moments between want and whatever was next. 

Her head didn't think it could take anymore.  She would leave it here and come back and maybe have another go. or.. likely, she will start again tomorrow, on an ever revolving list,.. but she is certain that now..  she will ask.. 

Gifts Given.....

Today she made a realization.   It was after a meeting that took far too long and included her making more statements than she should have. (kind of the usual situation that she has really been trying to get out of for the last few years, but can't seem to shake it)....

A statement was made about a situation that she has been a integral part of for a while.  The give and take, the push and pull and ultimately, the true selfless nature of her commitment.    This is not something she has done lightly, as she understand the situation and it's also just another thing she does without any thought to a requirement of praise for her actions.    

As another member of the organization commended her for her actions and  professed about the the gifts she would receive for the selflessness in this situation, she closed her eyes to the praise and suddenly realized that the universe had already given her a gift for her efforts.   and she will be eternally grateful....

In the wee hours..

She's up.. why??  

No real light but the glow of her phone screen as she types. The morning sounds from the open windows begin to invade her space. Or is that simply the ever present low level humming in her ears she had most of her life (thanks mom)

The faint light of dawn begins in the far corners to the east and the always on kitchen wall light casts a small soft ray through the hallway, its presence is always welcome. Just light enough to aid in movement but not bright enough to wake the inhabitants.

The cool morning air brings an early respite from what may be a very warm day, although the rains of late have brought a nice temperature to the ground, much cooler than it has been.  

She sits with her back pressed against the wooden headboard that has existed for well over 20yrs, handmade and sturdy, and could tell tales if it could talk. But alas, it cannot. 

She leans her head back and closes her eyes, her hand with her writing instrument drops to her right leg and rests while she collects her thoughts. 

Life is a series of stops and starts, she knows..  its hard to predict the twist and turns from day to day. She has learned to take slow deep breaths in, expanding her diaphragm and allowing the air to fill her and uses control to slowly release, expelling not just the air, but the tension that sometimes builds, allowing her muscles to soften and relax and her thoughts to clear.  

With the breathing, her mind has wondered to the what if's and what could be's and when's and why not's that move about in her brain.  The answered and unanswered questions of her past, current and future life.  

The past there to guide her, as it does, in keeping her grounded to where she has been, what she has learned and what she brings to the table now. Even new definitions of past events makes her understand where she is today. 

The current, as to the life she lives now and it's side streets and alleyways she dodges to and from.. in and out of, that make it interesting.  

And The Future, as its created by the decisions that are both seen and unseen. and the consequence of actions taken and not taken.  

She slowly opens her eyes to realize the room is brighter as the sun has moved higher above the horizon line.  Daylight and morning are here to start her day.  

She wishes...

She wishes she could control her own thoughts, especially those in the middle of the night

She wishes the words came easier

She wishes she didn't feel so deeply

She wishes life was just a bit different. not back to normal but closer to it

She wishes she knew his thoughts, which she does, but really wants to know more about his life, then and now

She wishes they had hours of uninterrupted time together in the same space  

She wishes that she could remember much of their past because she knows it explains much of the feeling in the present

She wishes she didn't feel like she has to explain why she does what she does, why she wishes she could talk to him more, see him in the present, be more connected.. but knows they are.. even through space and time. 

She wishes she understood any of this.  One day she will. 

Fallen

 She's fallen.   She knows that. . he knows that.  it wasn't supposed to happen..  but well.  it was there already.. and it's simply continued, in real time. 

Life is not easy with this, but.. she , at this moment, wouldn't have it any other way. 

too far apart..  too much to say..  to much to learn about one another with out the ability to spend time together.    

And too many other variables that figure into each life..   She doesn't need to remind her of this.. she knows very well.  

Attempting to take this one day at a time.   It's all she can do.. Life has to continue as normal, even though.. it's not..  

Smile More!!!

 She writes an open letter to him.   Things that must be said because they are in her heart. 

Tears, as they do, because she cares, because she...  .. she can't say it.. but because she does, it makes it harder to write the words. 

The rehashed version is that he found her to let her know what she had done for him, in his mind and heart, during the years apart. Not ego, but a genuine need to thank her.  His stall and stop and suddenly deciding it needed to be done has put them here.  He admits he isn't sure why now, why this place and time

What he has done, by doing this, is to bring her past into her present.  The feeling of 1 time, 1 place that has followed her in her own journey and the knowing now that it started even further back and brought more into the present than she ever thought possible.    

They are connected... (possibly from before the start and likely beyond the finish) 

She has opened, felt freer.. more alive.. more able to just to do, rather than to explain the doing (or not doing), than ever before.  (funny how that happens) 

She isn't sure what he sees when he sees her.. which in person or live isn't entirely possible, but in photos, in nods, in non-accidental, totally thought out placements of photos, sayings, etc  and she's pretty sure he hasn't seen them all, but they all are for him (and by default her)

What she hears in their conversations, when they are able to, is a passion for what he does both in his work and his family,  an understanding for his love of his children and a concern for the present and the future. 

What she sees in his posted photos is happy, ear to ear smiles with laughing eyes and a calmness that makes her giddy and a want to spend time staring into those eyes..   

In their first, and only, live conversation, she couldn't help but stare.  there he was..live and in person after 30 plus years.  not the same boy she knew but the man he grew into.  She likes this man, his voice, his eyes, his look.  (his vanity isn't appealing to her because she isn't concerned) 

But she also sees sadness, in photos he has taken and sent. it's the timing and place, she knows that. and what he has been "up against" at those moments.   She's pretty sure if he had been able to take a photo on the golf course, the look would have been vastly different.

she says.. Smile More!!.  She isn't just meaning to smile in the photos.  Smile inward.. smile for himself.. smile to make the world wonder what the hell you are up to.  and to feel better. about the situation, the timing, the place.

She doesn't want to fix him (does he need fixing???).  She doesn't want to be the excuse to run..   She want's him to be who he is. she isn't trying to be that "person" in his life that he thinks about when he needs to be shored up. she wants him to be that person for himself.   

She says it's ok if he thinks of her, because she thinks of him..   She  ultimately thinks of a day that she is with him, face to face and a time to be able to talk and tell stories of life and she anticipates the 'getting to know" on many levels, all over again.   She does know that's not possible as it is and may never be. 

She wants him to enjoy life in whatever form that takes and she hopes their conversations can continue. Losing him again, isn't an option. 

Smile More!!!

 

Head matters.

 

Her head rattles around... fighting sleep.. she sits listening to music that she feels is a connection to the past.   It is.. sort of but much if it is only in the lyrics that makes her feel okay...

She's moved from her desk to her room.. the one she seldom shares with her other half.. well it happens frequently with couples.   And she snores. And its actually better this way.   

She crawls in to the right side so the bedside table with the small light at her right elbow which baths this side of the room with just enough light to make it appear cozy. 

Her eyes are starting to close now. She's almost dropped her phone she is writing on twice and erased a whole sentence.   Its time to sign off.  

She will pick up where she has left off

 Tomorrow. 

World split in 2...

2 different time lines..

Parallel universe...

Hard as Ras (he doesn't know that term..) to figure out!!!

Is she allowed what she has???

Is she lying to herself about either and or???

She can only breath!! (and it isn't helping)..  

Clarity.. Saneness..  She's working on getting that.. 

One knows about the other, the other doesn't know..  

💖

pit of her stomach

24 Sept. 530am. (morning after a really great phone call).

She woke up this morning after 6 hours of not completely continuous sleep.
she lay in bed, going over, rehashing, the conversation they had in a setting that allowed for openness.

she heard words he had said before, about his reasoning for reconnecting. Not just to her but to others and how he had stopped and stalled at trying to find her over time and it had just happened.. now.. in this moment, that he had decided it had to be done (he still wasn't sure why this moment..) and he said the words about the impact she had made on his life and he was grateful for being able to recall those times to bring him out of things he was experiencing..

In the still of the morning, in her head, she heard him say.. the teacher, the co-worker, the mentor.. and YOU..   She was different, not really grouped with the rest.. just her.

The tears poked from the sides of her eyes and rolled silently away.

She had heard him say that she had made a difference.. how she was with him.. before. During times in their life. .. as children and young adults and more. Accepting..

She feels it deeply.
He's told her before about wanting to make sure she is safe and ok. He worried about her.

And again the tears come.
She never knew. She knows now... 

 That even in separation he is a part of her and she him. For the rest of time, as it has been all before. And this makes her smile.

Time..

How much time is needed??   

Starting from when??

Well... kindergarten when he chased her round the play yard and she chased him..

4 days??  Uninterrupted!!!

Will that be enough??..  and will it ever be possible??

Maybe.. maybe not.  58 yrs x 2 is a lot of years of life stories to get through. 

Especially when some will be hard stories to tell. She knows hers will be... maybe for both of them.  She is certain  they have to be told.  

She's not certain to what end or the effect on either. 

LIFE isn't certain or given.. and at this point, the trying is better than none at all.  

 

The Question

There is a question hanging.   Plain and simple.  and she was asked.. Point blank.. 

What makes sense...   What doesn't...  You've discussed the past.. (well. not all of it, but most. but rehashing brings clarity)

 The question:  

What do you want from this relationship in your present and future?

2 answers within minutes..

Answer #1: 

who the hell knows.. I want to meet (or re-meet) him in person.. have face to face contact with someone from my past who obviously means a lot to me. 

Answer #2

I want to see him. Sit with him.. Hold his hand.. talk to him..
 Start at the beginning.. (really) which may take hours.. because it's a long story..  and.. well.. we will go from there.  

.

but in truth, losing what is current for both, isn't an option...

and isn't the reason for the reconnecting... 

which makes this whole thing even harder. 

Her Head Spins....  Her heart flutters... She can't explain the feeling she has except that it has made a change in her everyday being.. lighter, less bogged down.. less cluttered (if that makes sense) Freer to a certain degree.. and she's ok with it. 

She hopes he is. 

This is a miss-understood quote from Rumi , a 13th Century poet and mystic of his time.  

The quote was pared down by a magazine writer and has somehow taken on a new meaning, other than the intended from Rumi.   She has done some research, as she does, so as not to assume to much.

She learned it really is more about the man and his faith and differences between Islam and other religions of the day. It is more about the coming together outside of each individual one, and it is believed that "the field" represents death and the place outside of normal lives where the 2 will meet and effectively not be at odds with each other, as many religions are. 

She has read several other possible meanings, which she finds, in the 21st century, to more ring true.

as stated in one bit of information:

most other mortals live in a world wherein the concepts of “right” and “wrong” control the paths we take. Each of us - through accident of birth - are placed where we are and in those places “right” and “wrong” have their own unique meanings, but the meanings are not universal and will have different meanings or understandings. Somewhere or some when (time), there is a place where the concepts of right and wrong are not controlling, they are moot points no longer of concern.

As a child she, she was raised in the baptist church. She grasped the understandings, the teachings and the rights and wrongs as laid down by the bible.

As she grew older, while she still believes in many of these teachings, she was put off by much of the "must do's" and hard and harsh ways that some people in the church tried to make it the Be All/End all of every day living.
This turned her off.  (as well as the hell fire and damnation yelling at her from the pulpit)  

She admits she has returned, somewhat, but. there are thoughts that she has gathered in her storied life that override what the bible teaches and some of the preaching holds no meaning.. other parts.. maybe..  in many instances, she has "forgiven" herself her wrong doings and actually feels that God has controlled that part as well and has moved forward in learning and growing. 

She discovers that she has lived a life more freely (depending on how you look at it)  than others she has known, this might be her downfall eventually, but she likes the ability to be able to come to her own decisions about directions and what she can and cannot do with her life.

She must also explain that she hasn't gone "to the dark side" and grabbed hold of the parts of the world that are far outside of her upbringing and nature. She doesn't mind listening to what some might think but in others she finds the whole concept of some teachings a bit.. well.. ridiculous.

She does, however, feel that Karma, Fate and the Universe, Serendipity, time and place, do, in many cases, play very important roles in much of her life. she hasn't been lead to this feeling by anyone, but has been able to see it work in her own life on occasion. In the right place at the right time and the like. she also feels that sometimes her life is guided by other forces (think The Adjustment Bureau film, as if someone has laid it out and there is no turning right or left.. only straight forward) and she manages, in her way, to deal with it..

When as a young adult, the fact that she had craved the water and sea, and carried a strong feeling that she always wanted to live on an island, now isn't lost on her, considering her current circumstances.. (at the time, it may have just been a thought.. but that's all it really had to be) 

Her take on this saying goes like this.

There are definitions of wrongs and rights in this world. Many of those are here and now because of people in the past  making those decisions for us. ( and remember these are from the bible.. but it's also mans definition of what is written there)

Her feeling is that we have the brains that "god" or whatever force you believe in, gave us and it is our decision to understand and acknowledge, or not, those rights and wrongs. Each person is different in their interpretation, which is basically why these decisions are still with us (ancient in some cases) and it's also why some done't ever venture far from the intended meanings.

Life.. happens.  How we choose to live with it, or resist it, is entirely up to us..

For reasons unknown to the author or the reader, Fate has brought them back together from a much different place, to the here and now. she feels there is no cut and dry answer as to how this will be dealt with or if it will or should be.. 

She is aware that there are feelings that transcend this time and this place and they have been held in a state, not to be lost, and that, in and off itself is significant. 

she feels....

There is a place , a field,  if you will, out beyond each of their own definition of rights and wrongs.. (whether biblical in nature or not)

 She chooses to meet him there. when the time is right and the universe is OK with it.

(she hopes that there is an understanding to what she has written and if not, a discussion can happen)

What is it??

 What is it??..   

She isn't sure..  

Maybe it's the relentless September heat, which she is fairly certain has never been this bad. (although she may say the same thing this time next year!!) 

She's tired but wakes 3 times during the night.  She tried to nap during the day, but the heat stops the process. 

Maybe it's the tug of war going on inside her brain and her being.. Not just on one level but several.  Friends, family, situations, responsibilities...

The past tugs, the present pulls, She's rectifying them both. How?? she isn't sure.. but she has to...

It's caused her brain to open up.  see what's there, what's possible, the colors, the smells and sounds.   She's enjoying the music, specifically the lyrics she sang but never really understood before.  But now she does. She listens.. to every word. because they have meaning.  Always did.. 

Her dreams are real... One day..  

writing.. to sleep

She closes her eyes and begins to type..  She will do this until she is done.. open her eyes and then go back and correct the words (and maybe the grammar, but she isn't big on that.. she just types.. and says what comes.)

her brain is full.  of many things.  Her children, husband, home, friends etc.  but she has another layer to deal with.. something unexpected.. or not..  

She's written before.. She has said it out loud.. to know one. and then to the one.  he will read this and may understand.. or not.   

Tears stream.. she can't help it.. it's the dark hours at night when she's alone and has too much to think about..  She afraid.. of losing.. much..  but specifically something that means much.  The tears are the outward sign of the inward struggle. He has to understand it's not him.. it's all her.. it's the knowledge that he has given to her from long ago and maybe the the wish that the world could have been different.. but then (they discussed this as well. ) maybe it can't be changed.. or wasn't mean to be changed.

She feels like an idiot.. to much wanting a connection but can't really have it .. Just Can't..  space and time and place..  Not connecting those dots.  Oh they could be.. but it might be better that they aren't.   distance, they say, makes the heart grow fonder and time.. lots and lots of time.   but maybe one day..  ..  

She's corrected the lines above, and starts again.  Closed eyes.. mostly.. hair down out of it's clip's holding it back,  The illusion of freedom, which it can't be.  Why.. she asks herself.  it just can't..   but maybe..  one day..

She's cleared today..maybe she can sleep..  it's not all that she has..there is soo much more.  she want's to remember. must. but not forcing it.    Want's to connect, not just by voice.. she want's to feel what she knows is already there.    hard to say.. even harder to write..  makes it real.  

Sleep needs to come.. maybe to dream.. We shall see.

a lifetime..

 He loves her.  Has for most,  if not all of their lives.  He said it.  Well not out loud. He can't.. but he wrote it and that's ok.. 

She's.... happy.. sad..  her head spins and her heart.  She did say it to him (even though it's possible she shouldn't have)  It's the feeling.  only 2 relationships in her life have really ever meant anything. and this is one of them.. 

she's amazed that he he has re-entered her life after 36 years.  they are much older and both living different but similar lives, in 2 different locations. 

It goes back to childhood.  Kindergarten..   She knows this is true.. it was close to where he lived at the time.  and not far from her parents.   She remembers playing tag.. and maybe calling his name.  and maybe it was always him she went after.. and he her.. 

the next 3 years they spent apart. .at different 1st, 2nd and 3rd grades.. did they see each other ??  attend birthday parties together.??  go swimming?   she isn't sure.

4th and 5th grade they spent in the middle/elementary school.  possibly had the same teachers.. they were on the mod squad together. that's what they called the hall monitors. you know.. those kids assigned to be in the halls during certain times of the day. made sure other students had hall passes to go to the bathroom or the principals office.

he reminds her that flirting happened in a way that only that age humans can do it.. pushing each other down on the playground. .he pulling hair..  she may have kicked him for something he did. . (sounds like something she might do)..  did they eat lunch together??  have the same classes??.. homerooms. possibly.. probably. 

he does remember being told by another classmate.. whispering in his ear that she  liked him.   

They went to 6th and 7th grade together.  again, probably had similar teachers. she had her favorites.  one would be come a good friend to her mother later in life and she remembers liking that teacher very much.  the playground antics likely continued.  they were older now, so maybe not so much of the kicking, or knocking down.. but still likely the flirting continued.

She and her sister left in 8th grade.. went to a different school in another town.. when they came back for the 11th grade, he was happy but, it was short lived. as his family was moving and they would only be together for few months.  15/16 years old they would be.  He says he hung back.. didn't want to risk anymore of the attachment he already had from all the years before. 

fast forward to their next meeting.   She sitting at her workplace, in the 2 top table by the corner and window to the outside.  He noticed her there and she accepted his offer of "going out some time".  

This is where the memories are unsure.  She remembers a movie date.. She knows the name of the theater, the mall it was in and even the shirt and pants HE wore. (no idea what she had on)  She remembers a feeling deep in her soul.   She remembers holding hands. possibly a shared kiss, but it's the feeling she can't get rid of and any other date or situation they may have encountered as to what would end up being a very short time (not sure if days or weeks but no more than that) .  he has reminded her of several places they went.  a dinner at a family restaurant. she does remember this, because of a story that includes this restaurant and her father.  but the rest.. and the other parts she desperately wishes she remembers, but she can't..  She has admitted that she can't. and must have blocked them for self preservation purposes after the last night they saw each other, he admits to being an ass. and then.. he disappeared. 

Realization!!!

In the glaring light of day, the truth is there..

In the dark of night, when all is quite, the blinders on and the heady expectations rise. 

Has she gone to far??

Has she not gone far enough??

Life suddenly turns.  She realizes what isn't there in real life... and begs for more from places that are not able.  So she must find a way to make things work in the place where she is.  

Change, it must come, but gently, knowingly..  so as not to overdo, explode or implode...  

She will figure this out.. How to have 2 worlds collide without ever touching. 

too much to be done!!!

Head full.. not thinking.. over thinking.. doesn't help.. moving forward...

LIFE shouldn't be this hard.  

One minute she is flat lined.. not really moving, not going anywhere, kind of fading into the wood work.

The next minute she has 4 different projects, not connecting, all with their little pieces..  all requiring attention and she can't differentiate which to start first, which to put aside till later....

The heavens are plotting against her to fail... on soo many different levels..

Hearts..

More than half her life ago, she lost him.  Suddenly. She can't remember every single piece of the short time they had together. (way to many years)  She remembers one specific moment.. She can't even remember the connecting or the departure. Suddenly he was there and then gone.    

They had been friends in childhood and teenage life. Connected.  She needs to find her yearbooks and check to see where he is in them. What part he played.   Could be that he was there, but didn't make himself clear or she just wasn't paying attention.  

He was there.. in her memories..  just one... but every time appeared, it flung her back then, that time and she would wondered and would start the searching.  The gut filling would return and she had no control over that..

Why had he made such an impression??  why was it so hard to get rid of it.  that moment in time. 

Lost and found.. and just like that, he was back, even though far way.. hesitated, but then after a few days, he decided it was a good enough time to fill her in on life..  what had been, what could have been, but wasn't.  Life had decided a different fate for both, even if it had been his decision to go.

every time she thinks of him now, she still gets that feeling and gets teary eyed.. . can't help it..  the one memory and is etched so hard in her brain.  Regret??? Anger?? disappointment???   miles and time still can't separate.  

She's enjoying their conversations..   keeping the friendship going.  is that as it should be???