Daytime.

She's up. It's morning.  She needs to pull her book out and make a list today, as somedays go by with no rhyme nor reason and at the end, she isn't sure what she has done.. accomplished.. finished.. or even started.

She does have a list of things, but her mind, her being, is stopping her from getting them done.   Oh silly stuff like housework.. ha..  laundry, cleaning. the mundane things that don't mean anything, except they help in the "feel better" part of the living she does.  She thinks to the list of things that have taken place over the last few days.. and stops... 

She made a realization yesterday, based on something she read.. that maybe she IS remembered by more than she knows.  those long ago happenings that have added up into memories and she thought it possible she was the only one to store them.. Maybe not.    The piece was, actually, 11 years old .. but it popped up and she had to read it a couple of times.. The first for comprehension (The action or capability of understanding something) and the 2nd for meaning (intended to communicate something that is not directly expressed).. It was the 2nd that struck her...  Had it actually been said??  She was sure it hadn't been lost on the reader (herself) or the writer (another) at the time of posting, but in a public forum, others wouldn't understand.  However, it was incongruous (look it up.. and she normally doesn't use "big" words....) and life had continued..  

She stops typing... rests her head in her hands with elbows propped on her desk..  The feeling rises and the wetness around her eyes comes.  The feeling returns and she can't stop it.  it's not the more , it's the distance, it's the connection and the shear inability to do anything about it or stop it from happening. She pulls her glasses away, wipes each eye with the palm of each hand.. It doesn't help.   This isn't pain she feels, it isn't holding her back from her day.  It is the memories she can't bring forward.  It's a way to know they are there.  It's the ones that are missing that mean the most.    and it's the connection (the then and the wanting to be now) she wants more than anything.. The dots from the past to the future.. the then, the now and the forever. 

Night and darkness

Night closes in...   She's been sitting to long.. today, yesterday..  Too many things going on that require her to watch, look, read, see.  Not to mention those things she has no control over, but are there, hanging.

She's not really sure that she is a night person, she doesn't really like the dark but she has always stayed up later than the rest.  Maybe it's the quiet of the house, and the silence outside the doors that keep her up.  And while she loves the warmth of the sun and sea on her skin, it's the night, wrapped in comforting darkness that seems to draw her in. 

It's also the time, once she has shut her computer down and done her nightly routine...  that she finally finds herself lying on her left side, with a pillow in the crook of her neck, another pushed into her back for support and one to her front, pushed close,  with an arm hugging it and a leg wrapped around it, as if holding on for dear life..  Relaxed to a point, It is then that her mind wanders and goes places it likely shouldn't.  eye's closed..   dreams don't come but wishes and hopes seem to scroll through her mind until she tells them to stop.  in some cases, the dreams, that are an integral part of a good night sleep, never come..  

it is still dark and  comforting and quite and eventually.. she sleeps.

Ask

 

She read this saying this morning. 8 hours ago.  She thought about it for a second and posted in the comments.. LOVE IT!!.    her friend thanked her and asked how she was doing.  She only now responded, giving an Ok and a small glimpse into what was happening where she is.  

She understood what the photo was saying.. or at least she thought she did.  What she hadn't really read earlier in the day, where the words her friend had written about the post.. or because of the photo:

Good morning,
What's on my mind?...
Results!


I asked strictly for overflow in this season and more clients/orders were sent.

I asked for more time to get things done and delegation became my habit.

I asked for a peace of mind and worrying about simple things became non-existent.

          We have not because we ask not.

         We already have the tools to "Live out our wildest dreams!"

What do you need to ask for today?

She now has read these words over and over.. several times. just to let them sink in.  

As for the photo, she reads that we have the tools, the bits and pieces needed, we just have to put them together.  Maybe they will not be in the right order, so we have to figure it out.. .  Maybe it will take us years to get it right.. or wrong.. (who knows).  but not putting them together isn't really an option.  You asked for a finished product, now put what you have been given to work to get it.

As for the words her friend shared, She sat and thought about what she had done during this day.   and what she might ask for based on those things..

• The new challenge she has accepted and how she was going to handle this with all the other things she has going on.   She would ask for a clear path, with no barriers and with straight forward questions and good answers to see them through to the end. 
• 
  
• What about her business.. that non-existent piece of her that she wished would just magically start working.    She realized, in this moment, there were things she had already put into place.. even if not on purpose for her business, they would still work to build her presence and over time add to the small bits that she needed to do for her business.  Slow and Steady at this point.  to this end, she would ask for CONSISTANCY
• 
  
• The conflict between head and heart, the tug of war between "leave it alone", "don't over do it" ,  "it will be ok" and the "but ..." (isn't' there always a but??) .   She would ask for clarity in the answers to questions, truth in the conversation and calm in the awkward moments between want and whatever was next. 

Her head didn't think it could take anymore.  She would leave it here and come back and maybe have another go. or.. likely, she will start again tomorrow, on an ever revolving list,.. but she is certain that now..  she will ask.. 

Gifts Given.....

Today she made a realization.   It was after a meeting that took far too long and included her making more statements than she should have. (kind of the usual situation that she has really been trying to get out of for the last few years, but can't seem to shake it)....

A statement was made about a situation that she has been a integral part of for a while.  The give and take, the push and pull and ultimately, the true selfless nature of her commitment.    This is not something she has done lightly, as she understand the situation and it's also just another thing she does without any thought to a requirement of praise for her actions.    

As another member of the organization commended her for her actions and  professed about the the gifts she would receive for the selflessness in this situation, she closed her eyes to the praise and suddenly realized that the universe had already given her a gift for her efforts.   and she will be eternally grateful....

In the wee hours..

She's up.. why??  

No real light but the glow of her phone screen as she types. The morning sounds from the open windows begin to invade her space. Or is that simply the ever present low level humming in her ears she had most of her life (thanks mom)

The faint light of dawn begins in the far corners to the east and the always on kitchen wall light casts a small soft ray through the hallway, its presence is always welcome. Just light enough to aid in movement but not bright enough to wake the inhabitants.

The cool morning air brings an early respite from what may be a very warm day, although the rains of late have brought a nice temperature to the ground, much cooler than it has been.  

She sits with her back pressed against the wooden headboard that has existed for well over 20yrs, handmade and sturdy, and could tell tales if it could talk. But alas, it cannot. 

She leans her head back and closes her eyes, her hand with her writing instrument drops to her right leg and rests while she collects her thoughts. 

Life is a series of stops and starts, she knows..  its hard to predict the twist and turns from day to day. She has learned to take slow deep breaths in, expanding her diaphragm and allowing the air to fill her and uses control to slowly release, expelling not just the air, but the tension that sometimes builds, allowing her muscles to soften and relax and her thoughts to clear.  

With the breathing, her mind has wondered to the what if's and what could be's and when's and why not's that move about in her brain.  The answered and unanswered questions of her past, current and future life.  

The past there to guide her, as it does, in keeping her grounded to where she has been, what she has learned and what she brings to the table now. Even new definitions of past events makes her understand where she is today. 

The current, as to the life she lives now and it's side streets and alleyways she dodges to and from.. in and out of, that make it interesting.  

And The Future, as its created by the decisions that are both seen and unseen. and the consequence of actions taken and not taken.  

She slowly opens her eyes to realize the room is brighter as the sun has moved higher above the horizon line.  Daylight and morning are here to start her day.  

She wishes...

She wishes she could control her own thoughts, especially those in the middle of the night

She wishes the words came easier

She wishes she didn't feel so deeply

She wishes life was just a bit different. not back to normal but closer to it

She wishes she knew his thoughts, which she does, but really wants to know more about his life, then and now

She wishes they had hours of uninterrupted time together in the same space  

She wishes that she could remember much of their past because she knows it explains much of the feeling in the present

She wishes she didn't feel like she has to explain why she does what she does, why she wishes she could talk to him more, see him in the present, be more connected.. but knows they are.. even through space and time. 

She wishes she understood any of this.  One day she will. 

Fallen

 She's fallen.   She knows that. . he knows that.  it wasn't supposed to happen..  but well.  it was there already.. and it's simply continued, in real time. 

Life is not easy with this, but.. she , at this moment, wouldn't have it any other way. 

too far apart..  too much to say..  to much to learn about one another with out the ability to spend time together.    

And too many other variables that figure into each life..   She doesn't need to remind her of this.. she knows very well.  

Attempting to take this one day at a time.   It's all she can do.. Life has to continue as normal, even though.. it's not..