Weighted..

 She has a thing about pottery..   the 20oz mug on the right, she loves because it gives just her just enough coffee in the morning.  The other ones she owns., standard size coffee mugs, leave her feeling a little sad as the bottom of the cup approaches. 

Her newest and most loved acquisition.. she purchased them both on the same day ..but still..  is this glazed on the inside..  raw fired clay on the outside beauty..  now her constant companion.  Her daughter thought she was drinking from a flower pot until she explained what it was..  a massive 32oz mug that holds fabulous amounts of ice and water, that when mixed within the vessel, give a cool dampness to the outside and feels like a large rock weighted in her hands.  SHE'S IN LOVE...   Oh she knows its just a mug.. but it's hers and the heaviness of it makes her hand feel as it she is holding something substantial.. of value.   And she is..   at least to her. 

Conversations...

 2:45am.. She wishes he were awake..   just to even say hello...   

They have had this conversation....  he's not a social media, phone always on, able to talk/chat, person.  She is completely that way.   He signs into the chat they connect through and she sees that he has read her side of the story.. but he doesn't answer.    She continues to write hoping he will say something...anything..just to let her know he is there or at least acknowledges her writing and maybe adds his own narrative to the story.  But sometimes it doesn't happen.  

She wrote...  One day we will have a full blown conversation without having to type it in... 

He wrote... or without dropped calls...

She wrote. And no interruptions to the conversations..   one day.. 

2:58am...   she knows he's asleep...  she isn't.   2:59..

Life and lemons!!

She sits and stares.. she isn't sure what to write.  as usual, to many things going on at the same time... but isn't that normal in her life??

She forgot some important information sent to a group for a meeting yesterday..  just simply forgotten.  She isn't feeling it much these days and didn't check her notes, as she should have.  Not really a big deal, but it isn't a great thing to have done.   She also has other thing that need to be done before the next meeting.. communications that have to be taken care of.. but. . again. .it's the complacency of the group, the lack of really wanting to continue.. but.. as usual she will... Life Goes On!!!

She has another project that she's also struggling with.  She isn't sure which way to turn. It started out being the activist side.. not necessarily front and centre, but didn't necessarily mind being a "lead".   But, again, it changed... She didn't.. she's still angry and pissed off (which are the same thing) and wanting to make a difference, but it seems the other "leads" have different ideas.  be calm, protect the ones out front, let them speak, but don't rock too much of the boat, Build support. and when the time is right, we will be ready to strike..   but that semi complacency got the better of her yesterday and she called and got "the guy in charge" and laid into him.. possibly shouldn't have. .but it just is not adding up.. questions unanswered and the list goes on.   UGH!!!.  Again.. Life Goes On!!!

She is sure there are other things that need to be done. 

• Paint the picture frame, so it can dry and she can take it back to the framing place and get the rest of the piece put back together and sell.
• Contact a few new members of the club and make sure they come back
• clean her desk (what a concept)
• Do some other cleaning/sorting in the house.. 
• and the list goes on..

Making life.. out of Lemons!!!

Daytime.

She's up. It's morning.  She needs to pull her book out and make a list today, as somedays go by with no rhyme nor reason and at the end, she isn't sure what she has done.. accomplished.. finished.. or even started.

She does have a list of things, but her mind, her being, is stopping her from getting them done.   Oh silly stuff like housework.. ha..  laundry, cleaning. the mundane things that don't mean anything, except they help in the "feel better" part of the living she does.  She thinks to the list of things that have taken place over the last few days.. and stops... 

She made a realization yesterday, based on something she read.. that maybe she IS remembered by more than she knows.  those long ago happenings that have added up into memories and she thought it possible she was the only one to store them.. Maybe not.    The piece was, actually, 11 years old .. but it popped up and she had to read it a couple of times.. The first for comprehension (The action or capability of understanding something) and the 2nd for meaning (intended to communicate something that is not directly expressed).. It was the 2nd that struck her...  Had it actually been said??  She was sure it hadn't been lost on the reader (herself) or the writer (another) at the time of posting, but in a public forum, others wouldn't understand.  However, it was incongruous (look it up.. and she normally doesn't use "big" words....) and life had continued..  

She stops typing... rests her head in her hands with elbows propped on her desk..  The feeling rises and the wetness around her eyes comes.  The feeling returns and she can't stop it.  it's not the more , it's the distance, it's the connection and the shear inability to do anything about it or stop it from happening. She pulls her glasses away, wipes each eye with the palm of each hand.. It doesn't help.   This isn't pain she feels, it isn't holding her back from her day.  It is the memories she can't bring forward.  It's a way to know they are there.  It's the ones that are missing that mean the most.    and it's the connection (the then and the wanting to be now) she wants more than anything.. The dots from the past to the future.. the then, the now and the forever. 

Night and darkness

Night closes in...   She's been sitting to long.. today, yesterday..  Too many things going on that require her to watch, look, read, see.  Not to mention those things she has no control over, but are there, hanging.

She's not really sure that she is a night person, she doesn't really like the dark but she has always stayed up later than the rest.  Maybe it's the quiet of the house, and the silence outside the doors that keep her up.  And while she loves the warmth of the sun and sea on her skin, it's the night, wrapped in comforting darkness that seems to draw her in. 

It's also the time, once she has shut her computer down and done her nightly routine...  that she finally finds herself lying on her left side, with a pillow in the crook of her neck, another pushed into her back for support and one to her front, pushed close,  with an arm hugging it and a leg wrapped around it, as if holding on for dear life..  Relaxed to a point, It is then that her mind wanders and goes places it likely shouldn't.  eye's closed..   dreams don't come but wishes and hopes seem to scroll through her mind until she tells them to stop.  in some cases, the dreams, that are an integral part of a good night sleep, never come..  

it is still dark and  comforting and quite and eventually.. she sleeps.

Ask

 

She read this saying this morning. 8 hours ago.  She thought about it for a second and posted in the comments.. LOVE IT!!.    her friend thanked her and asked how she was doing.  She only now responded, giving an Ok and a small glimpse into what was happening where she is.  

She understood what the photo was saying.. or at least she thought she did.  What she hadn't really read earlier in the day, where the words her friend had written about the post.. or because of the photo:

Good morning,
What's on my mind?...
Results!


I asked strictly for overflow in this season and more clients/orders were sent.

I asked for more time to get things done and delegation became my habit.

I asked for a peace of mind and worrying about simple things became non-existent.

          We have not because we ask not.

         We already have the tools to "Live out our wildest dreams!"

What do you need to ask for today?

She now has read these words over and over.. several times. just to let them sink in.  

As for the photo, she reads that we have the tools, the bits and pieces needed, we just have to put them together.  Maybe they will not be in the right order, so we have to figure it out.. .  Maybe it will take us years to get it right.. or wrong.. (who knows).  but not putting them together isn't really an option.  You asked for a finished product, now put what you have been given to work to get it.

As for the words her friend shared, She sat and thought about what she had done during this day.   and what she might ask for based on those things..

• The new challenge she has accepted and how she was going to handle this with all the other things she has going on.   She would ask for a clear path, with no barriers and with straight forward questions and good answers to see them through to the end. 
• 
  
• What about her business.. that non-existent piece of her that she wished would just magically start working.    She realized, in this moment, there were things she had already put into place.. even if not on purpose for her business, they would still work to build her presence and over time add to the small bits that she needed to do for her business.  Slow and Steady at this point.  to this end, she would ask for CONSISTANCY
• 
  
• The conflict between head and heart, the tug of war between "leave it alone", "don't over do it" ,  "it will be ok" and the "but ..." (isn't' there always a but??) .   She would ask for clarity in the answers to questions, truth in the conversation and calm in the awkward moments between want and whatever was next. 

Her head didn't think it could take anymore.  She would leave it here and come back and maybe have another go. or.. likely, she will start again tomorrow, on an ever revolving list,.. but she is certain that now..  she will ask.. 

Gifts Given.....

Today she made a realization.   It was after a meeting that took far too long and included her making more statements than she should have. (kind of the usual situation that she has really been trying to get out of for the last few years, but can't seem to shake it)....

A statement was made about a situation that she has been a integral part of for a while.  The give and take, the push and pull and ultimately, the true selfless nature of her commitment.    This is not something she has done lightly, as she understand the situation and it's also just another thing she does without any thought to a requirement of praise for her actions.    

As another member of the organization commended her for her actions and  professed about the the gifts she would receive for the selflessness in this situation, she closed her eyes to the praise and suddenly realized that the universe had already given her a gift for her efforts.   and she will be eternally grateful....