The Fog is lifting... The internal fog that keeps her from moving forward.. Getting up off the couch.. making her way forward. She's never experienced deep depression, and this really wasn't it... too much else was good in her life.. but .. she lacked concentration. Unable to put real authentic sentences together.. The bells that used to go off in her head, when a great idea hit.. or when she felt it was all worth it.. gone.. just gone..
Suddenly it had stopped.. The caring.. the doing.. the being.. Oh.. and you didn't really notice because she didn't want you to see it.. it was her feeling.. not yours.. it really didn't effect much of her life.. but parts of it. and what was on the outside wasn't part of it.
What did any of that mean.. why did it happen?? when did it happen?? She would have to say it was December. a change in the matrix.. yes. the matrix. but one little glitch.. and it wouldn't come back online.
January rolled in.. busy, time consuming, full of excitement.. She enjoyed it .. all consuming.. no time to think of anything else.. The accolades (and even sometimes the not so much of the accolades that really should have been) . the lack of rest.. not so much sleep, but rest.. recovery.. and then suddenly.. it was done. it left.. the loose ends remained.. they needed tying but they didn't get tied..
it was then.. the couch.. it called and said.. "stay with me".. just be.. and she did.. oh she had things to do, assignments to finish.. and she did.. but more of a rush.. more of a "I'll get to that later.. or tomorrow.. or next week.. and the bells didn't go off.. the fog stayed.. it was more of a time to do nothing.. not sleep... not read.. not type.. nothing.. she was stuck..
Jan, Feb, Mar, Apr, May.... she wasn't contacting.. she wasn't going after her dream.. did she even still have one?? Again.. the main mundane things stayed and were done.. her commitments got done.. but that was about it. her focus still gone. but the basics remained.
She traveled.. she was happy to do it.. a different location.. smells, views, noises.. she didn't take as much advantage of it as she could have.. but it was a more restful retreat, time to herself.. and others.. a different set of others. She considered many things.. the possibility of change... the possibility that change would be made for her and she would have to live with that.
and suddenly.. she could see.. beyond the fog.. it was starting to clear.. not completely but a bit. She had a new focus... she spent part of a day concentrating on things she hadn't thought of in months..and it kind of amazed her when she realized she'd just spent an hour on progress and development.. focusing the possibilities and making them happen. She spent an hour at midnight writing and reviewing what she should have, could have, done months before.. but it was renewed.. rewritten..
it was time.. she decided. make a change.. take a chance.. move forward.. step out of the fog.. Sunday Confessions...
