Smile More!!!

 She writes an open letter to him.   Things that must be said because they are in her heart. 

Tears, as they do, because she cares, because she...  .. she can't say it.. but because she does, it makes it harder to write the words. 

The rehashed version is that he found her to let her know what she had done for him, in his mind and heart, during the years apart. Not ego, but a genuine need to thank her.  His stall and stop and suddenly deciding it needed to be done has put them here.  He admits he isn't sure why now, why this place and time

What he has done, by doing this, is to bring her past into her present.  The feeling of 1 time, 1 place that has followed her in her own journey and the knowing now that it started even further back and brought more into the present than she ever thought possible.    

They are connected... (possibly from before the start and likely beyond the finish) 

She has opened, felt freer.. more alive.. more able to just to do, rather than to explain the doing (or not doing), than ever before.  (funny how that happens) 

She isn't sure what he sees when he sees her.. which in person or live isn't entirely possible, but in photos, in nods, in non-accidental, totally thought out placements of photos, sayings, etc  and she's pretty sure he hasn't seen them all, but they all are for him (and by default her)

What she hears in their conversations, when they are able to, is a passion for what he does both in his work and his family,  an understanding for his love of his children and a concern for the present and the future. 

What she sees in his posted photos is happy, ear to ear smiles with laughing eyes and a calmness that makes her giddy and a want to spend time staring into those eyes..   

In their first, and only, live conversation, she couldn't help but stare.  there he was..live and in person after 30 plus years.  not the same boy she knew but the man he grew into.  She likes this man, his voice, his eyes, his look.  (his vanity isn't appealing to her because she isn't concerned) 

But she also sees sadness, in photos he has taken and sent. it's the timing and place, she knows that. and what he has been "up against" at those moments.   She's pretty sure if he had been able to take a photo on the golf course, the look would have been vastly different.

she says.. Smile More!!.  She isn't just meaning to smile in the photos.  Smile inward.. smile for himself.. smile to make the world wonder what the hell you are up to.  and to feel better. about the situation, the timing, the place.

She doesn't want to fix him (does he need fixing???).  She doesn't want to be the excuse to run..   She want's him to be who he is. she isn't trying to be that "person" in his life that he thinks about when he needs to be shored up. she wants him to be that person for himself.   

She says it's ok if he thinks of her, because she thinks of him..   She  ultimately thinks of a day that she is with him, face to face and a time to be able to talk and tell stories of life and she anticipates the 'getting to know" on many levels, all over again.   She does know that's not possible as it is and may never be. 

She wants him to enjoy life in whatever form that takes and she hopes their conversations can continue. Losing him again, isn't an option. 

Smile More!!!

 

Head matters.

 

Her head rattles around... fighting sleep.. she sits listening to music that she feels is a connection to the past.   It is.. sort of but much if it is only in the lyrics that makes her feel okay...

She's moved from her desk to her room.. the one she seldom shares with her other half.. well it happens frequently with couples.   And she snores. And its actually better this way.   

She crawls in to the right side so the bedside table with the small light at her right elbow which baths this side of the room with just enough light to make it appear cozy. 

Her eyes are starting to close now. She's almost dropped her phone she is writing on twice and erased a whole sentence.   Its time to sign off.  

She will pick up where she has left off

 Tomorrow. 

World split in 2...

2 different time lines..

Parallel universe...

Hard as Ras (he doesn't know that term..) to figure out!!!

Is she allowed what she has???

Is she lying to herself about either and or???

She can only breath!! (and it isn't helping)..  

Clarity.. Saneness..  She's working on getting that.. 

One knows about the other, the other doesn't know..  

💖

pit of her stomach

24 Sept. 530am. (morning after a really great phone call).

She woke up this morning after 6 hours of not completely continuous sleep.
she lay in bed, going over, rehashing, the conversation they had in a setting that allowed for openness.

she heard words he had said before, about his reasoning for reconnecting. Not just to her but to others and how he had stopped and stalled at trying to find her over time and it had just happened.. now.. in this moment, that he had decided it had to be done (he still wasn't sure why this moment..) and he said the words about the impact she had made on his life and he was grateful for being able to recall those times to bring him out of things he was experiencing..

In the still of the morning, in her head, she heard him say.. the teacher, the co-worker, the mentor.. and YOU..   She was different, not really grouped with the rest.. just her.

The tears poked from the sides of her eyes and rolled silently away.

She had heard him say that she had made a difference.. how she was with him.. before. During times in their life. .. as children and young adults and more. Accepting..

She feels it deeply.
He's told her before about wanting to make sure she is safe and ok. He worried about her.

And again the tears come.
She never knew. She knows now... 

 That even in separation he is a part of her and she him. For the rest of time, as it has been all before. And this makes her smile.

Time..

How much time is needed??   

Starting from when??

Well... kindergarten when he chased her round the play yard and she chased him..

4 days??  Uninterrupted!!!

Will that be enough??..  and will it ever be possible??

Maybe.. maybe not.  58 yrs x 2 is a lot of years of life stories to get through. 

Especially when some will be hard stories to tell. She knows hers will be... maybe for both of them.  She is certain  they have to be told.  

She's not certain to what end or the effect on either. 

LIFE isn't certain or given.. and at this point, the trying is better than none at all.  

 

The Question

There is a question hanging.   Plain and simple.  and she was asked.. Point blank.. 

What makes sense...   What doesn't...  You've discussed the past.. (well. not all of it, but most. but rehashing brings clarity)

 The question:  

What do you want from this relationship in your present and future?

2 answers within minutes..

Answer #1: 

who the hell knows.. I want to meet (or re-meet) him in person.. have face to face contact with someone from my past who obviously means a lot to me. 

Answer #2

I want to see him. Sit with him.. Hold his hand.. talk to him..
 Start at the beginning.. (really) which may take hours.. because it's a long story..  and.. well.. we will go from there.  

.

but in truth, losing what is current for both, isn't an option...

and isn't the reason for the reconnecting... 

which makes this whole thing even harder. 

Her Head Spins....  Her heart flutters... She can't explain the feeling she has except that it has made a change in her everyday being.. lighter, less bogged down.. less cluttered (if that makes sense) Freer to a certain degree.. and she's ok with it. 

She hopes he is. 

This is a miss-understood quote from Rumi , a 13th Century poet and mystic of his time.  

The quote was pared down by a magazine writer and has somehow taken on a new meaning, other than the intended from Rumi.   She has done some research, as she does, so as not to assume to much.

She learned it really is more about the man and his faith and differences between Islam and other religions of the day. It is more about the coming together outside of each individual one, and it is believed that "the field" represents death and the place outside of normal lives where the 2 will meet and effectively not be at odds with each other, as many religions are. 

She has read several other possible meanings, which she finds, in the 21st century, to more ring true.

as stated in one bit of information:

most other mortals live in a world wherein the concepts of “right” and “wrong” control the paths we take. Each of us - through accident of birth - are placed where we are and in those places “right” and “wrong” have their own unique meanings, but the meanings are not universal and will have different meanings or understandings. Somewhere or some when (time), there is a place where the concepts of right and wrong are not controlling, they are moot points no longer of concern.

As a child she, she was raised in the baptist church. She grasped the understandings, the teachings and the rights and wrongs as laid down by the bible.

As she grew older, while she still believes in many of these teachings, she was put off by much of the "must do's" and hard and harsh ways that some people in the church tried to make it the Be All/End all of every day living.
This turned her off.  (as well as the hell fire and damnation yelling at her from the pulpit)  

She admits she has returned, somewhat, but. there are thoughts that she has gathered in her storied life that override what the bible teaches and some of the preaching holds no meaning.. other parts.. maybe..  in many instances, she has "forgiven" herself her wrong doings and actually feels that God has controlled that part as well and has moved forward in learning and growing. 

She discovers that she has lived a life more freely (depending on how you look at it)  than others she has known, this might be her downfall eventually, but she likes the ability to be able to come to her own decisions about directions and what she can and cannot do with her life.

She must also explain that she hasn't gone "to the dark side" and grabbed hold of the parts of the world that are far outside of her upbringing and nature. She doesn't mind listening to what some might think but in others she finds the whole concept of some teachings a bit.. well.. ridiculous.

She does, however, feel that Karma, Fate and the Universe, Serendipity, time and place, do, in many cases, play very important roles in much of her life. she hasn't been lead to this feeling by anyone, but has been able to see it work in her own life on occasion. In the right place at the right time and the like. she also feels that sometimes her life is guided by other forces (think The Adjustment Bureau film, as if someone has laid it out and there is no turning right or left.. only straight forward) and she manages, in her way, to deal with it..

When as a young adult, the fact that she had craved the water and sea, and carried a strong feeling that she always wanted to live on an island, now isn't lost on her, considering her current circumstances.. (at the time, it may have just been a thought.. but that's all it really had to be) 

Her take on this saying goes like this.

There are definitions of wrongs and rights in this world. Many of those are here and now because of people in the past  making those decisions for us. ( and remember these are from the bible.. but it's also mans definition of what is written there)

Her feeling is that we have the brains that "god" or whatever force you believe in, gave us and it is our decision to understand and acknowledge, or not, those rights and wrongs. Each person is different in their interpretation, which is basically why these decisions are still with us (ancient in some cases) and it's also why some done't ever venture far from the intended meanings.

Life.. happens.  How we choose to live with it, or resist it, is entirely up to us..

For reasons unknown to the author or the reader, Fate has brought them back together from a much different place, to the here and now. she feels there is no cut and dry answer as to how this will be dealt with or if it will or should be.. 

She is aware that there are feelings that transcend this time and this place and they have been held in a state, not to be lost, and that, in and off itself is significant. 

she feels....

There is a place , a field,  if you will, out beyond each of their own definition of rights and wrongs.. (whether biblical in nature or not)

 She chooses to meet him there. when the time is right and the universe is OK with it.

(she hopes that there is an understanding to what she has written and if not, a discussion can happen)

What is it??

 What is it??..   

She isn't sure..  

Maybe it's the relentless September heat, which she is fairly certain has never been this bad. (although she may say the same thing this time next year!!) 

She's tired but wakes 3 times during the night.  She tried to nap during the day, but the heat stops the process. 

Maybe it's the tug of war going on inside her brain and her being.. Not just on one level but several.  Friends, family, situations, responsibilities...

The past tugs, the present pulls, She's rectifying them both. How?? she isn't sure.. but she has to...

It's caused her brain to open up.  see what's there, what's possible, the colors, the smells and sounds.   She's enjoying the music, specifically the lyrics she sang but never really understood before.  But now she does. She listens.. to every word. because they have meaning.  Always did.. 

Her dreams are real... One day..  

writing.. to sleep

She closes her eyes and begins to type..  She will do this until she is done.. open her eyes and then go back and correct the words (and maybe the grammar, but she isn't big on that.. she just types.. and says what comes.)

her brain is full.  of many things.  Her children, husband, home, friends etc.  but she has another layer to deal with.. something unexpected.. or not..  

She's written before.. She has said it out loud.. to know one. and then to the one.  he will read this and may understand.. or not.   

Tears stream.. she can't help it.. it's the dark hours at night when she's alone and has too much to think about..  She afraid.. of losing.. much..  but specifically something that means much.  The tears are the outward sign of the inward struggle. He has to understand it's not him.. it's all her.. it's the knowledge that he has given to her from long ago and maybe the the wish that the world could have been different.. but then (they discussed this as well. ) maybe it can't be changed.. or wasn't mean to be changed.

She feels like an idiot.. to much wanting a connection but can't really have it .. Just Can't..  space and time and place..  Not connecting those dots.  Oh they could be.. but it might be better that they aren't.   distance, they say, makes the heart grow fonder and time.. lots and lots of time.   but maybe one day..  ..  

She's corrected the lines above, and starts again.  Closed eyes.. mostly.. hair down out of it's clip's holding it back,  The illusion of freedom, which it can't be.  Why.. she asks herself.  it just can't..   but maybe..  one day..

She's cleared today..maybe she can sleep..  it's not all that she has..there is soo much more.  she want's to remember. must. but not forcing it.    Want's to connect, not just by voice.. she want's to feel what she knows is already there.    hard to say.. even harder to write..  makes it real.  

Sleep needs to come.. maybe to dream.. We shall see.

a lifetime..

 He loves her.  Has for most,  if not all of their lives.  He said it.  Well not out loud. He can't.. but he wrote it and that's ok.. 

She's.... happy.. sad..  her head spins and her heart.  She did say it to him (even though it's possible she shouldn't have)  It's the feeling.  only 2 relationships in her life have really ever meant anything. and this is one of them.. 

she's amazed that he he has re-entered her life after 36 years.  they are much older and both living different but similar lives, in 2 different locations. 

It goes back to childhood.  Kindergarten..   She knows this is true.. it was close to where he lived at the time.  and not far from her parents.   She remembers playing tag.. and maybe calling his name.  and maybe it was always him she went after.. and he her.. 

the next 3 years they spent apart. .at different 1st, 2nd and 3rd grades.. did they see each other ??  attend birthday parties together.??  go swimming?   she isn't sure.

4th and 5th grade they spent in the middle/elementary school.  possibly had the same teachers.. they were on the mod squad together. that's what they called the hall monitors. you know.. those kids assigned to be in the halls during certain times of the day. made sure other students had hall passes to go to the bathroom or the principals office.

he reminds her that flirting happened in a way that only that age humans can do it.. pushing each other down on the playground. .he pulling hair..  she may have kicked him for something he did. . (sounds like something she might do)..  did they eat lunch together??  have the same classes??.. homerooms. possibly.. probably. 

he does remember being told by another classmate.. whispering in his ear that she  liked him.   

They went to 6th and 7th grade together.  again, probably had similar teachers. she had her favorites.  one would be come a good friend to her mother later in life and she remembers liking that teacher very much.  the playground antics likely continued.  they were older now, so maybe not so much of the kicking, or knocking down.. but still likely the flirting continued.

She and her sister left in 8th grade.. went to a different school in another town.. when they came back for the 11th grade, he was happy but, it was short lived. as his family was moving and they would only be together for few months.  15/16 years old they would be.  He says he hung back.. didn't want to risk anymore of the attachment he already had from all the years before. 

fast forward to their next meeting.   She sitting at her workplace, in the 2 top table by the corner and window to the outside.  He noticed her there and she accepted his offer of "going out some time".  

This is where the memories are unsure.  She remembers a movie date.. She knows the name of the theater, the mall it was in and even the shirt and pants HE wore. (no idea what she had on)  She remembers a feeling deep in her soul.   She remembers holding hands. possibly a shared kiss, but it's the feeling she can't get rid of and any other date or situation they may have encountered as to what would end up being a very short time (not sure if days or weeks but no more than that) .  he has reminded her of several places they went.  a dinner at a family restaurant. she does remember this, because of a story that includes this restaurant and her father.  but the rest.. and the other parts she desperately wishes she remembers, but she can't..  She has admitted that she can't. and must have blocked them for self preservation purposes after the last night they saw each other, he admits to being an ass. and then.. he disappeared.