Realization!!!

In the glaring light of day, the truth is there..

In the dark of night, when all is quite, the blinders on and the heady expectations rise. 

Has she gone to far??

Has she not gone far enough??

Life suddenly turns.  She realizes what isn't there in real life... and begs for more from places that are not able.  So she must find a way to make things work in the place where she is.  

Change, it must come, but gently, knowingly..  so as not to overdo, explode or implode...  

She will figure this out.. How to have 2 worlds collide without ever touching. 

too much to be done!!!

Head full.. not thinking.. over thinking.. doesn't help.. moving forward...

LIFE shouldn't be this hard.  

One minute she is flat lined.. not really moving, not going anywhere, kind of fading into the wood work.

The next minute she has 4 different projects, not connecting, all with their little pieces..  all requiring attention and she can't differentiate which to start first, which to put aside till later....

The heavens are plotting against her to fail... on soo many different levels..

Hearts..

More than half her life ago, she lost him.  Suddenly. She can't remember every single piece of the short time they had together. (way to many years)  She remembers one specific moment.. She can't even remember the connecting or the departure. Suddenly he was there and then gone.    

They had been friends in childhood and teenage life. Connected.  She needs to find her yearbooks and check to see where he is in them. What part he played.   Could be that he was there, but didn't make himself clear or she just wasn't paying attention.  

He was there.. in her memories..  just one... but every time appeared, it flung her back then, that time and she would wondered and would start the searching.  The gut filling would return and she had no control over that..

Why had he made such an impression??  why was it so hard to get rid of it.  that moment in time. 

Lost and found.. and just like that, he was back, even though far way.. hesitated, but then after a few days, he decided it was a good enough time to fill her in on life..  what had been, what could have been, but wasn't.  Life had decided a different fate for both, even if it had been his decision to go.

every time she thinks of him now, she still gets that feeling and gets teary eyed.. . can't help it..  the one memory and is etched so hard in her brain.  Regret??? Anger?? disappointment???   miles and time still can't separate.  

She's enjoying their conversations..   keeping the friendship going.  is that as it should be???