She closes her eyes and begins to type.. She will do this until she is done.. open her eyes and then go back and correct the words (and maybe the grammar, but she isn't big on that.. she just types.. and says what comes.)
her brain is full. of many things. Her children, husband, home, friends etc. but she has another layer to deal with.. something unexpected.. or not..
She's written before.. She has said it out loud.. to know one. and then to the one. he will read this and may understand.. or not.
Tears stream.. she can't help it.. it's the dark hours at night when she's alone and has too much to think about.. She afraid.. of losing.. much.. but specifically something that means much. The tears are the outward sign of the inward struggle. He has to understand it's not him.. it's all her.. it's the knowledge that he has given to her from long ago and maybe the the wish that the world could have been different.. but then (they discussed this as well. ) maybe it can't be changed.. or wasn't mean to be changed.
She feels like an idiot.. to much wanting a connection but can't really have it .. Just Can't.. space and time and place.. Not connecting those dots. Oh they could be.. but it might be better that they aren't. distance, they say, makes the heart grow fonder and time.. lots and lots of time. but maybe one day.. ..
She's corrected the lines above, and starts again. Closed eyes.. mostly.. hair down out of it's clip's holding it back, The illusion of freedom, which it can't be. Why.. she asks herself. it just can't.. but maybe.. one day..
She's cleared today..maybe she can sleep.. it's not all that she has..there is soo much more. she want's to remember. must. but not forcing it. Want's to connect, not just by voice.. she want's to feel what she knows is already there. hard to say.. even harder to write.. makes it real.
Sleep needs to come.. maybe to dream.. We shall see.
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