Smile More!!!

 She writes an open letter to him.   Things that must be said because they are in her heart. 

Tears, as they do, because she cares, because she...  .. she can't say it.. but because she does, it makes it harder to write the words. 

The rehashed version is that he found her to let her know what she had done for him, in his mind and heart, during the years apart. Not ego, but a genuine need to thank her.  His stall and stop and suddenly deciding it needed to be done has put them here.  He admits he isn't sure why now, why this place and time

What he has done, by doing this, is to bring her past into her present.  The feeling of 1 time, 1 place that has followed her in her own journey and the knowing now that it started even further back and brought more into the present than she ever thought possible.    

They are connected... (possibly from before the start and likely beyond the finish) 

She has opened, felt freer.. more alive.. more able to just to do, rather than to explain the doing (or not doing), than ever before.  (funny how that happens) 

She isn't sure what he sees when he sees her.. which in person or live isn't entirely possible, but in photos, in nods, in non-accidental, totally thought out placements of photos, sayings, etc  and she's pretty sure he hasn't seen them all, but they all are for him (and by default her)

What she hears in their conversations, when they are able to, is a passion for what he does both in his work and his family,  an understanding for his love of his children and a concern for the present and the future. 

What she sees in his posted photos is happy, ear to ear smiles with laughing eyes and a calmness that makes her giddy and a want to spend time staring into those eyes..   

In their first, and only, live conversation, she couldn't help but stare.  there he was..live and in person after 30 plus years.  not the same boy she knew but the man he grew into.  She likes this man, his voice, his eyes, his look.  (his vanity isn't appealing to her because she isn't concerned) 

But she also sees sadness, in photos he has taken and sent. it's the timing and place, she knows that. and what he has been "up against" at those moments.   She's pretty sure if he had been able to take a photo on the golf course, the look would have been vastly different.

she says.. Smile More!!.  She isn't just meaning to smile in the photos.  Smile inward.. smile for himself.. smile to make the world wonder what the hell you are up to.  and to feel better. about the situation, the timing, the place.

She doesn't want to fix him (does he need fixing???).  She doesn't want to be the excuse to run..   She want's him to be who he is. she isn't trying to be that "person" in his life that he thinks about when he needs to be shored up. she wants him to be that person for himself.   

She says it's ok if he thinks of her, because she thinks of him..   She  ultimately thinks of a day that she is with him, face to face and a time to be able to talk and tell stories of life and she anticipates the 'getting to know" on many levels, all over again.   She does know that's not possible as it is and may never be. 

She wants him to enjoy life in whatever form that takes and she hopes their conversations can continue. Losing him again, isn't an option. 

Smile More!!!