Hearts..

More than half her life ago, she lost him.  Suddenly. She can't remember every single piece of the short time they had together. (way to many years)  She remembers one specific moment.. She can't even remember the connecting or the departure. Suddenly he was there and then gone.    

They had been friends in childhood and teenage life. Connected.  She needs to find her yearbooks and check to see where he is in them. What part he played.   Could be that he was there, but didn't make himself clear or she just wasn't paying attention.  

He was there.. in her memories..  just one... but every time appeared, it flung her back then, that time and she would wondered and would start the searching.  The gut filling would return and she had no control over that..

Why had he made such an impression??  why was it so hard to get rid of it.  that moment in time. 

Lost and found.. and just like that, he was back, even though far way.. hesitated, but then after a few days, he decided it was a good enough time to fill her in on life..  what had been, what could have been, but wasn't.  Life had decided a different fate for both, even if it had been his decision to go.

every time she thinks of him now, she still gets that feeling and gets teary eyed.. . can't help it..  the one memory and is etched so hard in her brain.  Regret??? Anger?? disappointment???   miles and time still can't separate.  

She's enjoying their conversations..   keeping the friendship going.  is that as it should be???

Confessions on a Sunday

The Fog is lifting...   The internal fog that keeps her from moving forward..  Getting up off the couch.. making her way forward.   She's never experienced deep depression, and this really wasn't it... too much else was good in her life..  but .. she lacked concentration. Unable to put real authentic sentences together.. The bells that used to go off in her head, when a great idea hit.. or when she felt it was all worth it.. gone.. just gone..

Suddenly it had stopped.. The caring.. the doing.. the being..  Oh.. and you didn't really notice because she didn't want you to see it.. it was her feeling.. not yours.. it really didn't effect much of her life.. but parts of it.  and what was on the outside wasn't part of it.  

What did any of that mean..  why did it happen??  when did it happen??   She would have to say it was December.  a change in the matrix.. yes. the matrix. but one little glitch.. and it wouldn't come back online.   

January rolled in.. busy, time consuming, full of excitement..  She enjoyed it .. all consuming..  no time to think of anything else..  The accolades (and even sometimes the not so much of the accolades that really should have been) . the lack of rest.. not so much sleep, but rest.. recovery.. and then suddenly.. it was done.    it left.. the loose ends remained.. they needed tying but they didn't get tied..

it was then.. the couch.. it called and said.. "stay with me".. just be..  and she did..  oh she had things to do, assignments to finish.. and she did.. but more of a rush.. more of a "I'll get to that later.. or tomorrow.. or next week..    and the bells didn't go off.. the fog stayed..    it was more of a time to do nothing.. not sleep... not read.. not type.. nothing.. she was stuck..

Jan, Feb, Mar, Apr, May....     she wasn't contacting.. she wasn't going after her dream.. did she even still have one??   Again.. the main mundane things stayed and were done..  her commitments got done.. but that was about it.   her focus still gone.    but the basics remained.  

She traveled.. she was happy to do it..  a different location.. smells, views, noises..   she didn't take as much advantage of it as she could have.. but it was a more restful retreat, time to herself.. and others..  a different set of others.    She considered many things.. the possibility of change... the possibility that change would be made for her and she would have to live with that.   

and suddenly..  she could see..  beyond the fog..  it was starting to clear.. not completely but a bit.   She had a new focus...  she spent part of a day concentrating on things she hadn't thought of in months..and it kind of amazed her when she realized she'd just spent an hour on progress and development..   focusing the possibilities and making them happen.  She spent an hour at midnight writing and reviewing what she should have, could have, done months before.. but it was renewed.. rewritten..  

it was time.. she decided.  make a change.. take a chance..  move forward.. step out of the fog..    Sunday Confessions...

Before the sleep

She was trying to settle.. just couldn't get it done.  Propping herself up on several pillows till it felt right.  This usually was only done when her head was full of cold but over the last few weeks her doc had told her to try it..  Part of a never ending stream of suggestions for a situation she just couldn't get rid of.  1 large pillow placed at the head board.. a body pillow was next and it hit just the right spot in her side/waist and back.  a small pillow on top to rest her head.  something between her knees and something pushed up against her back.   Comfy... sort of..

The breeze blew through the open slates in the windows but the neighbors new garage light (think large, bright industrial building light) shown through the slates as well as the branches rustled in the trees just out side one window.   This light caused dancing shadows around the walls but unfortunately also cause light to glare into the room every once in a while.  

As she tried to relax, she remembered her early days of living here, being able to just lie in bed and gaze out the windows with the breeze blowing and thinking what a nice retreat this was.  

Life had changed.   Work, children, layoffs, experiences..  it all seemed to just be soo over whelming that her brain sometimes just hurt from it all.   She thought about many things as her breathing became shallower and rest started to take hold.... her eyelids flutter and sleep came....

3rd times the charm. food most needy and recognition. all rolled into one..

Not hard to believe that it's been almost another year since she wrote on the blog.   Seems a pattern has emerged..  and she isn't certain why she keeps doing this.. time just gets away..  not time.. live.. gets in the way.. Maybe she just doesn't have anything to write about.. oh.. but she days.. she just doesn't know how to get it down on paper.. or in this case.. on the computer. 

Maybe it's today that she needs to write.  the build of of things... It seems to happen every year about this time.. a big blow up of some sort.. things not going write.. life.. getting in the way.. .. 

She went to lunch today .. with a group of women she knows.. well not really went to lunch.. but did..  she made some items as did the others.. they got together.. talked, discussed.. and then ate.. with more talking and more discussing..  but then she was simply amazed..  at what??    The utter and complete single mindedness of the women as they began taking up empty plates and piling them high again, with the left over food.. to take it home, for themselves to have another meal.  Some really needed it.. a few who couldn't cook for themselves.  some who just didn't have the energy due to illnesses to be able to fix a dinner.. this would at least tide them over till the next day..  A couple with handicaps that wouldn't allow them to fix a dinner at all..   but the most surprising where the younger group. (none all that young) who just took the food.. oh they asked first.. but then.. in thanking the person for allowing them to take another plate, it wasn't for someone else to enjoy.. it was for them.. so they didn't have to leave their house to get food so they could continue to work on items for their business to make money..  All she could think of was.. selfish..  totally and completely and utterly selfish.. 

and then.. after that was said and done.. she had a conversation with someone else and asked about how things were done at a resent presentation.. why certain people got awards and others didn't.. the final verdict was.. because of the final academic mark given on a final test..  Had nothing to do with the student.. and how they performed for the school during the course of the year.. but on the final mark.. and while I guess the final mark does reflect on the school, maybe the child just doesn't do well on exams but excels in the practical real world portion of work.    but.. it doesn't matter.. the parting works she heard were..  Well .. she knows how good she is...  but that really isn't the point.. sometimes the recognition makes all the difference in the world.. ..

So she cried on the way home.. she thought about how utterly alone she felt in her feelings on how the day went.. Nobody knew how she felt about the food situation.. maybe she should tell someone. . or maybe not..  Someone's response would be.. "oh that's just silly.  what would we do with the food anyway.".. maybe take it to someone who needs it more than we do.

and no one would understand how she felt about the student and the need for recognition..  maybe they would. but would it really matter..

She knows that the student will succeed.. regardless of where she has been.. she is totally focused on the future and the world that has opened up in front of her..  and she.. the author of this story.. is very thrilled by that..  

She Stories: Once Again

She Stories: Once Again: Hahahahaha....  She has done it again.. waited a whole year to write on this blog.. once again..  she didn't realize.. she didn't check.. To...

Once Again

Hahahahaha....  She has done it again.. waited a whole year to write on this blog.. once again..  she didn't realize.. she didn't check.. Too busy??  Kids, Schools, PTA's, Work..??  what kept her from writing.  She really didn't have a clue.. 5 minutes, she says to herself.. ok.. maybe 15... take 15 minutes everyday.. no .. to much time.. once a weeks.. every 7 days.. ok..maybe doable..  sit down and just write.   about what, she asks herself..  Life.. she says back..  Life.. 

A long year

She didn't realize it had been so long.  A year since anything had been written.   Maybe, she thought, that she just hadn't really had anything to say, or maybe she was just to buys to write. She does remember sitting at the laptop, contemplating the meaning of things and wondering if she had anything to write.  She had looked at the blog, but really, she thinks, had likely decided it just wasn't worth the effort at the moment.  Or maybe just no time.

What a long year it had been.  Children to and fro, getting older, but not so old as to yet have flown the nest, even though they thought they should be allowed to.  Husband who was around more because of a job that let him stay home.  It was nice, much of the time.. but not all.  

and then she thought about her year..  Had it really been a year since she had written??  Ahhh.. she remembers now. The time management thing.  The having soo much more to do than she really should have been doing.  The pressures on her time were not her own or her familes for that matter.  People demanding things of her that kept her away from home and away from really being herself.  This program, that project..   


A New Year will start soon and she has made herself a new resolution, one she intends to keep.  Take more time for herself, her family.  Don't give freely of the time she has to anyone.  Write more, read more, do more living for herself and less for anyone else. (except her family).


She wishes it hadn't been a year.. she wishes she could get that year back.. well part of it anyway.